the new normal

I am completely overwhelmed
The smallest tasks are a constant, daily struggle
I have never been so sad
so hurt
so lost

I have so many questions:
Will this happen again?
Will my marriage make it through?
Who will I become?
Will I ever connect with the world again?
Can I connect with a baby again?
Will this pain ever subside?
Will this fear ever subside?

I need to look ahead
I'm making plans for the future
It's the only way I know how to move on forward

"Do you have any kids"
I never realized how often this gets asked to a married 20-something
I'm always tore between
"Not Yet" and "Not Anymore"

Not Yet says no.
Which feels true because I don't have any kids, right?
I can't comfortably say Not Yet
It feels like I'm pretending Eloise didn't exist
It feels like I am betraying her to say Not Yet

Not Anymore sounds like I'm a victim,
looking for sympathy
I am not.
I found that people respond to this better than I would have thought
They can choose to ask a follow up question, or leave it be

The hard part
besides everything
is that I want to talk about her
Even though her story ends sad, I still had a baby
A beautiful baby girl that I'm so proud of

Looking Ahead
I have a fully booked Summer
which may not have been the best idea
but it's what I need to do to force myself out of the house
Otherwise I would stay inside forever
becoming more and more afraid of the world

My truth
I am the mother of an angel
I am the mother of a beautiful baby girl
who gave me as many days as she could
before her heart stopped.

If love could have kept her alive,
Eloise would have lived forever.


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