sometimes everything falls apart

Dear Diary,
My last entry was about how well things were going.
Mike and I had our maternity photos, which are absolutely stunning.
Two weeks later we had our baby girl.
Eloise Kay Madrigalli.
6lbs 1oz, 18.5 inches long.
We went home two days later.
I was the happiest I had ever been.
For this first time in my life, I was content.
I was exactly who and where I was supposed to be.
We struggled at first with breastfeeding, but she got the hang of it.
I was so proud of her.
We held her each day, told her we loved her all day.

Eight wonderful days later, Eloise took her last breath.
We lost our sweet baby girl.

The light in my heart has been blown out.
Mike and I are strong, we are close, we are a great team.
Will we last? How?
Will I ever heal?

Last year we had a miscarriage and it was hard for me to move on.
How can I possibly get through this?
Eloise's passing was so unexpected.
We got her to the hospital in time.
But they couldn't save her, and no doctor knows why.

Will I have more children?
Will I ever feel that love again?
I really don't know.

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